


Couple of (Couples) Mugs

by ilokheimsins



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, Harry is really dense guys, M/M, because i needed a break from porn and angst, like preternaturally so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 11:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4058266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilokheimsins/pseuds/ilokheimsins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Eggsy absolutely do not have couples mugs that proclaim their love for one another.  Harry is about 70 percent sure of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couple of (Couples) Mugs

**Author's Note:**

> Based on http://hales-emissary.tumblr.com/post/120454346508/taron-talking-about-the-mugs-that-he-and-colin.
> 
> Also, guys, I'm a fucking software engineer and I can't figure out how to make the links do the html thing. AO3 keeps eating the links before I post the work and HELP.

Harry is on what is quite possibly the most boring mission ever.  And in his illustrious thirty years as a Kingsman, the bar for ‘most boring job’ has risen quite high.

The current topper is a three week stakeout in which he pretended to be the son of a socialite sent to keep a group of elderly socialites entertained on their annual outing.  He learned more about ladies’ hats in those three weeks than he has ever needed to know.  Merlin still tells the story when he’s drunk.

But this.

He’s almost a hundred percent sure this is worse, because at least the elderly women provided snacks for him to munch on whilst debating the merits of three or four peacock feathers.  There are no snacks here in the middle of Nevada, in the middle of the damned desert.  Added onto the fact that it’s blisteringly hot and he’s been perched on a rock with a sniper rifle watching a cabin that can legitimately be described as being in the middle of nowhere and Harry’s about to go and drown himself in the nearest puddle.

The target is an old man who has yet to do anything except sit on his rocking chair and smoke and tap the butt of his gun against the ground for four damned weeks.  The only reason Harry isn’t browner than a nut is through some extra strength sunscreen and a camouflage tarp that makes him feel like he’s slowly roasting to death, even though Merlin insists that it’s temperature regulated and doesn’t actually go above 30C inside.

Harry thinks Merlin is a liar.

“Anything?” Merlin pipes up in the comm.  He sounds just as bored as Harry feels which is ridiculous because he isn’t the one who’s been slowly baking to death in the desert sun for four weeks.

“He fell asleep in the chair,” Harry grits out and then spits out a mouthful of dust.  He hates the desert, sand gets into all the most inconvenient places and every time he so much as breathes, he ends up with a mouthful of dust.

“You’ll be glad to know that Eggsy has finally stopped walking around in his speedo after swimming,” Merlin informs him.

“Good, he really shouldn’t be exposing himself in front of that many people.”

Merlin hums knowingly.

“He shouldn’t,” Harry grouses.

“Ah, yes, of course, absolutely,” Merlin says.  Somehow Harry gets the feeling that Merlin is mocking him.

He’s about to reply when a sudden movement has him leaning down to squint through the scope.  A truck rumbles to a stop in front of the tiny house and a burly man unfolds himself from the driver’s seat.  He goes over to the old man and shakes him awake, rather gently for a supposed arms dealer.  The old man blinks awake and a grin lights up his face.  He throws his arms around the other man happily and claps him on the back several times.  The younger man pulls out of the hug and goes around to the passenger side of the car to open the door.  A golden retriever comes tumbling out of the car and goes practically beserk when it sees the old man.  It spends a good several minutes attempting to jump up the old man and lick his face before the younger man pulls the dog off.  The three of them disappear into the house shortly after.

“Merlin,” Harry says, “Are you positive this is the man we’re after?”

“What?  What do you mean?”

“He just spent the last five minutes being slobbered over by a rather enthusiastic dog and there’s nothing in the truck,” Harry says.  He can’t say for sure about what is or isn’t in the truck itself, but the bed has absolute nothing in it.

“Ah.”

“Merlin.”

“Fuck.”

“ _Merlin._ ”

“Tristan may or may not have just taken out our arms dealer in Bolivia,” Merlin says.

“…Merlin I have been slowly burning to death underneath a fucking tarp for four weeks and you’re telling me that he’s been in _Bolivia_ _this entire time_?”

“Old men look similar from afar,” Merlin says and Harry can practically hear the shrug in his flippant tone.

“You need better minions,” Harry says and shuffles off the ledge.  If Tristan has taken out the arms dealer, that means Harry can get out of this godforsaken hell pit and go home.

“They are not minions,” Merlin says, but he’s undercut by someone squeaking, “Minions reporting for duty, sir!”

Harry laughs and Merlin kindly tells him to shut up.

***

He’s not exactly sure why he’s in this shop.  Souvenirs aren’t really his thing, but Eggsy loves them and the young man is on a mission to collect at least one souvenir from every country in the world.  The problem is, Eggsy hates postcards and his snow globe collection has spilled over from the Unwin residence into Harry’s house.

All in all, Harry needs something that is not a postcard or a snow globe.  Or a keychain because those are quite tacky and Harry needs to choose something he won’t be tempted to shoot every time it comes into view.

He finally decides on one of those souvenir cups that has Nevada on the handle and says ‘Keep Calm and…” on the other side.  When he brings it up to the cash, the woman eyes it and says, “Whaddya want on it?”

Harry blinks at her, “Pardon?”

“You can fill in blank, y’know,” She says and snaps her gum loudly.

“The blank?”

The woman rolls her eyes and points to the empty space underneath the ‘and’, “You fill in this slot with something and it gets engraved into the cup by Johnny over there.”

Harry ponders the mug for a moment before saying, “Just carve ‘love Harry’, if you would.”

“Oi, Johnny, you heard the man.  Love Harry,” She shouts.  Johnny grumbles but he takes the cup to the back of the shop and the sound of machinery starts up.

“For your girl?” She inquires as she rings up his purchase.

“A friend,” Harry says, “A joke of sorts, I suppose.”

She raises a dubious brow, “Uh huh, and I’m the fucking queen of Sheba.”

Harry has no idea how to respond to that.

***

Eggsy absolutely loves the mug.  He nearly breaks it when Harry first presents it to him because he’s laughing so hard that he tumbles off his chair and barely manages to keep the thing from smashing to bits on the floor.  It becomes a regular sighting around HQ.  Eggsy can be seen sipping from it at all hours of the day, at meetings, during midnight paperwork binges, after workouts, always.  It also sits neatly in the HQ kitchen cupboard, always with the ‘Keep Calm and Love Harry’ side faced out.

Harry is pleased that the young man is so happy with a gift that Harry has picked for him and perhaps just a little bit tickled that Eggsy has no issues going about with a piece of crockery that proclaims love for Harry.

When Eggsy comes back from his mission in Seville, he presents Harry with a gift box that has the most ostentatious bow on it, all gold trim and blue ribbon that is nearly the size of the box itself.

“Open it, yeah?” Eggsy says, looking pleased as punch.

Harry isn’t sure what to expect, but a mug certainly isn’t it.  It’s more of a teacup, really, with delicate china and fine golden filigree around the laced edging.  However, it’s definitely at least the size of the oversized mug he’d gifted Eggsy several months ago.

“Look at the other side,” Eggsy says excitedly and Harry turns it around to find ‘Keep Calm and Love Eggsy’ embossed in golden calligraphy on it.

He smiles at it, because it is very much an Eggsy sort of gift, and thanks Eggsy, who flushes happily and then runs off to brew tea.

“Ye gotta have yer first tea in it with me, make it special,” Eggsy says as he pours the steaming liquid into both of their cups.

“It is special whether we do this or not,” Harry says, but he smiles when Eggsy rolls his eyes and insists upon it anyway.

***

“Couples mugs,” Merlin says out of the blue one day.

Harry is on a mission in Beijing, trying to blend into a mass of tourists while keeping an eye out for anyone who looks like they might be keening to steal any of the artifacts present.  He flips out his phone before responding, “I beg your pardon?”

“Couples mugs,” Merlin repeats.  “You two have couples mugs.”

“Let’s assume I have no idea what you’re talking about, _because I don’t_ , and enlighten me,” Harry says and pretends to be observing a nearby vase.

“You and Eggsy.  You have couples mugs,” Merlin says.  “Also the security cameras closer to the inner palace have picked up suspicious movement.”

Harry nods, knowing that the glasses will pick up the movement, and heads in that direction.

“We do not have couples mugs.”

“You two literally have mugs that say to love the other on them,” Merlin says, “I really don’t know how they can be anything else.”

“They were gag gifts.  You know, like when you bought me that bright pink vibrator,” Harry grits out into the phone.

“I assure you, that was not a gag gift,” Merlin sniffs in offense.  “And I know you kept it, even if you’ve never opened it.  You might think about using it with Eggsy in the bedroom.  I’ve heard it can enliven sex lives.”

“I would take your advice into account if we were having sex, but as we are not, I shall ignore that,” Harry says as he rounds the corner into the inner palace.

“You should, you know,” Merlin says.  “Have sex with him, I mean.  The lad is just about ready to lounge across your desk like the girl in that idiotic painting scene in the Titanic movie.  With just his pants on.”

“He really isn’t,” Harry says but then he notices the man prying open the glass case to an artifact and he shoves the phone in his pocket before lunging into a tackle.

By the time he’s apprehended the thief, delivered him the authorities, and convinced Beijing that he is in fact on their side, he’s forgotten all about the conversation.

***

Until Bedivere, whose real name is Jimmy, comes back to HQ after a six month mission in Serbia and opens the kitchen cupboard to say, “Ah, Harry, congratulations on finally becoming a couple, then.”

Harry very brilliantly says “What?” around a mouthful of cheerios.

“You and Eggsy, congratulations,” Jimmy says again as he putters around the kitchen making coffee.

“What about Eggsy and I?” Harry says warily.

“You have couples mugs,” Jimmy points his teaspoon at the cupboard, where the two mugs are still visible.

“They are not couples mugs,” Harry says in confusion.

Jimmy gives him a long searching look and then shrugs, “If you’re sure.”

***

Harry passes it off as a strange coincidence until Gwaine, currently far and away the densest among them, says, “You and Eggsy have got some nice couples mugs.  Me and the missus ain’t got anything so nice.  Think I should get us a set like you two?”

And Harry just stares at the man and says, “We don’t have couples mugs.”

Gwaine just gives him the same look Merlin does when he’s being quite sad about the desperate state of Harry’s observational skills.  At least Gwaine’s look doesn’t also come with the promise of Merlin trying to test his observational ability at the most inconvenient times.

“Mate,” Gwaine says slowly, “I know I’m about the dumbest brick in the wall when it comes to shit like this, but those are couples mugs if I ever seen some.”

He shakes his head and leaves Harry to rethink the entire existence of the mugs.

***

“Do we have couples mugs?” He asks Eggsy on their flight to Punta Cana.

Eggsy blinks at him and says, “Course we do, that’s what they call mugs that have a couple’s inside joke on ‘em.”

Harry says, “I wasn’t aware we were a couple.”

And then Eggsy sets down the gun he’s oiling and looks carefully at Harry.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve been dating since you got back from Serbia,” He says slowly.

“We were?”

“Harry, you let me put my snow globes in your house,” Eggsy says, but his face is scrunching up in a way that means he’s about to be very sad and possibly pout terribly.  Which always makes Harry want to gather Eggsy up in his arms and feed him terrible things like coconut brownies and watch shite movies until he smiles again.

“Yes, well, you were running out of space and Michelle was getting rather cross with the way they were spilling over the mantle,” Harry says.

“Wait, you sayin’ we isn’t datin’?  Cause I just thought maybe you thought you wasn’t all that into the fact that I was so much younger and maybe you was embarrassed about bein’ older so tha’s why we ain’t never gone to bed.”  Eggsy is well on his way to a disappointed pout and Harry finally recognizes the urge to spoil the boy for what it is.

Ah, fuck.

Merlin’s never going to let him live this down.

“Eggsy,” Harry says.  When Eggsy refuses to look up at him, Harry gets down on his knees and carefully places his hands onto Eggsy’s thighs.  He rubs his thumbs in circles on the inside of Eggsy’s thighs and waits for the younger man to meet his eyes.

“Eggsy,” Harry starts again. “I have been recently informed that I may be a bit…”

“Dumber than a bag of rocks?” Eggsy says petulantly.

“I was going to say unobservant but we can go with your description,” Harry allows.

“But it has come to my attention that perhaps we are, in fact, a couple,” Harry continues.  “I just, as you so eloquently put it, am dumber than a bag of rocks and need a bit of prompting to realize things.”

“I thought Gwaine was supposed to be the emotionally stunted one,” Eggsy says.

“The irony of this is that Gwaine was the catalyst to this conversation,” Harry says dryly.

Eggsy gives him a hard stare.

“Eggsy, my darling boy, I want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are upset.  When I picked out that mug, I was taken with the idea that you would be proclaiming your love for me whenever you drunk out of it,” Harry says.  “It was a bit of an old man’s delusion, but I was quite taken with the idea.”

“I’m going to nominate you for dumber than Gwaine the next time we poll,” Eggsy says.  “How can you be so daft?  I fucking got you that fancy teacup for the exact same reason.”

“Ah, well, perhaps I’ve been blinded by, as you mentioned, the fact that my age is inadequate for someone of your age,” Harry admits.

He’s admitting a lot of things today that are making him feel quite like a lesser man.  But it’s worth it when Eggsy beams.

“Yer a right wanker, y’know that?  Bit dumb, you is, but fit as all hell, and you’s my dumb wanker,” Eggsy says.  “But next time just fuckin’ tell me, yeah?  So I don’t end up thinkin’ we’s getting’ married for six months before you swan in and ask me when that came about.”

“I shall endeavor to,” Harry says.

“Yeah?  Now, my turn to communicate,” Eggsy enunciates the last word clearly, his tongue clicking on the last syllable.

“We should have dirty, filthy sex on all the surfaces in this plane that Merlin will yell at us for,” He grins wickedly.

“Darling little tart,” Harry says fondly.

***

Roxy catches them en flagrante when she boards the plane an hour later and immediately threatens to break their mugs before breaking their heads.

And then she congratulates Eggsy on Harry finally wising up.

And then she tells Merlin about their naked arses being on every possible surface of the plane and Merlin threatens to smash their mugs.

Eggsy manages to relocate the mugs before Merlin can follow through on his threat and Harry opens his cupboard one morning to find them, words out, next to his tea.

He absolutely doesn’t smile fondly or make them tea so that the first thing Eggsy sees when he stumbles, half asleep and half naked, into the kitchen are their mugs, pressed together.

(Eggsy absolutely doesn’t jump him and they are most definitely not half an hour late, no matter what Merlin says.)

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me @ ilokheimsins on tumblr!


End file.
